3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I will be naked everywhere
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
