i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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