We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
