Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
