Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
