so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
They are going to name an STD after you.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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