The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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