Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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