I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
