Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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