I just saw a hot homeless man
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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