You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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