I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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