I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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