Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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