OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize