mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
