I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
