Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
