I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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