apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
