Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
