He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Randomize
