It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
