Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
