my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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