omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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