And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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