If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
So squirting runs in the family.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
