She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
