i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
