Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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