Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
