I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
