I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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