Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
