so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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