3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
