drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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