The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
