I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
