god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
