I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
