i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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