last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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