I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
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