If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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