I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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