70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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