hotel room ftw
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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