i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
