Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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