Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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