Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
