She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize