I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
