I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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