I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
