So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
