Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
