Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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