Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
now i know why i became what i already was.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
